Useless Advice

How Long Should I Sit?: A Modern Koan

So you’ve come to Nozenmaster for sitting advice?  Well, then hold on to your wallet, grasshopper, because I have the answer you have been seeking.

First ask yourself: How many times a day do I fart?  Then, multiply the answer by the amount of un-enlightenment you currently possess. (If you’re not sure, ask a meditation teacher, your spouse, partner, sibling or dog) This should give you the appropriate number of minutes per day to sit. Then, be sure to keep score. Keeping a log of all your progress, vis-a-vis number of minutes or seconds of non-distracted thought during each sitting, will allow you to compare yourself to the less-enlightened beings who wander in ignorance just bumping into things. Also be sure to write down the level of peace and/or elation felt during or after each sitting.  If your minutes of non-distraction, peace or happiness is satisfactory, then you’re cushion time is Just Right. If it starts to slip, Sit More! When your total combined meditation score reaches one kalpa, you will be fully enlightened. Congratulations!  You have now surpassed Nozenmaster, which is Nofrikkinpossible!  How could You be better than Me?!….  In the meantime, if someone cuts you off in traffic and you find yourself just smiling or not even really noticing, you may be making “progress”… or maybe you’re just too damn tired to care, or possibly stoned.  In either case, get off the freakin’ road!  That’s my advice and I’m stickin’ to it.

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